I’ve recently shared my “win” on Facebook with achieving 130 days of daily meditation. I’m still going strong!
What I haven’t told you is how this daily meditation opened the door to a deeper understanding of my own purpose in sharing my story and my art.
Now that I am consistent with my daily meditation, something strange has been happening. I’ve started reliving traumatic shaming events from my childhood. I’ve referred to these as “memories floating to the surface.”
For many weeks I didn’t understand why I was remembering and reliving this trauma. I was feeling torn apart, I was physically ill and I was unable to create any art.
But last week, I was reading a book my friend Louise KIttel recommended called “Healing the Shame that Binds You” by John Bradshaw. This one phrase put it all together for me:
“Any subsequent shame experience that even vaguely resembles that past trauma can easily trigger the words and scenes of the original trauma.”
Now I understand why meditation is bringing up shame for me.
When I got in trouble, my punishment was to sit in a corner, facing in the wall and not moving, or laying down, or crying, or begging or talking. I had to sit STILL and be quiet for 10 minutes.
When I sit for meditation, I relive the trauma that I experienced sitting in a corner as a kid. I was shamed by my mom and I was scared that she wouldn’t love me any more.
The first traumatic memory that came up for me was when I drew something my mom didn’t approve of.
I still hold a lot of shame around this memory, and while my mother was right to teach me about what is appropriate for a 6 year old to draw, she did it in such a way that caused me life-long issues about creating art that comes from my heart.
Now that I’m aware of what is going on, I am finding the tools to work through it. With support from friends and through creating art that comes from my heart, I can begin to heal.
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