I was 12 years old, I was shy. I had just started Jr. High at a school across town with kids that came from different schools. I really wanted to fit in.
But I had a problem: I blush.
All the cool kids were swearing and dropping F-bombs like candy into a bucket on Halloween. Fuck this, fuck that, fucking-a, fuckity fuck fuck fucker!
So to fit in, I used every opportunity to say the word “fuck”.
Problem was, I couldn’t say “fuck” without turning beet red. (emoji)
And boy, oh boy did I get made fun of! (more blushing…)
To remedy the situation, I practiced saying “fuck” at home in front of my bedroom mirror. I did this diligently for a whole week. And I managed to become a swearing machine!
I was SO good at saying “fuck” that one time, I forgot where I was.
I was in the car with my mom and a girlfriend. The three of us were sitting in the front seat (it was a bench seat) with myself in the middle.
We came around the corner and I saw Lloyd, an older boy I had a huge crush on.
Yep. I said that while sitting right next to my mother. She smacked me on the leg so hard it stung for an hour. <<Ouch>>
The point of this story is about shame. How teenagers tease use shame to get others to do what they say in order to fit in.
I worked really hard to learn how to swear because I was ashamed of blushing.
Ironically, blushing is a form of shame.
Today, I’m working on getting comfortable with shame; through talking, writing and painting.
When you see me blush during my live videos, you’ll know that I’m uncomfortable, and that my internal “shame meter” is rising. But just like when I was 12 and practicing saying “fuck” in front of a mirror, I’m going to keep on talking about shame publicly and sharing my art without shame.
Eventually, I’ll stop blushing.
Give me a “Fuck Yeah!” if you can relate.